Fun - That phrase didn't come about by accident you know. But what is it about Jesus' birthday that brings out the nelly in virtually everything associated with it? If it's not snowflakes, it's tinsel. Ditto, Panto and the Queen's speech. Need further proof that December 25th is a decidedly gay affair? Step this way...
1. Christmas trees
Let's think about this. Buy dead tree. Bring dead tree into home. Drape fairy lights on tree. Decorate dead tree with shiny balls and tinsel. Add more balls and tinsel. Add more tinsel. Complete the look by impaling a fairy on the top branch. Hello? Is that Alan Carr on the phone?
2. Panto
Men dressed as women. Women dressed as men. 'He's behind you'. Thigh slapping. We rest our case.
3. Mistletoe
Christmas is the only time of year when it is permissible (just) to go up to that guy who is waaaaay out of your league and demand a snog. Any other time of year and you'd be publicly shamed but dangle a piece of hemi-parasitic shrubbery above some poor unsuspecting soul's head and bingo! Lips united.
4. The Queen's Speech
The Queen. Speaking to 'her' people. In front of the window of her country pad. Camp. And let's not even get into her Annus Horribilis.
5. Christmas songs
Less is definitely not more when it comes to Yuletide tunes. You can never have enough sleigh bells/crashing drums/choirs (delete as applicable, or rather, don't) if you want a bona-fide Christmas hit. Just ask Mariah. All I Want For Christmas is the greatest Christmas tune of all time. Fact. And why? Never mind the kitchen sink, Mariah threw in Santa's grotto.
6. Aunties
Camp as a rule but come Christmas they're off the scale on the camp-o-metre. Maybe the planets are aligned? Or it could just be that Estee Lauder gift set she's doused herself in.
7. Champagne before midday
Bubbles with brekkie? Tick. Not that we ever need an excuse but there's just something ever so slightly decadent about rolling out of bed on Christmas morning and popping open a bottle of fizz to sip in your PJs/designer robe/birthday suit. Extra camp points if joined by anyone over the age of seventy.
8. Old school drinks
And while we're at the drinks cabinet, anyone for a Baileys? No? How about a nice glass of Tia Maria? Are you sure? Can't tempt you with a Snowball? No, no and no. Don't do it. Ever. When your granny's getting genuinely excited about the prospect of a glass of Crème de Menthe or Advocaat you know it's time to step away from the drinks cabinet. Yes they're camp, but only when someone else is drinking them.
Happy Christmas!
